Those of you who know me, know I get very one person minded. I’ve always had one person who I’d call my favourite and I used to think this was a Toria thing.
Through my research I have learnt it’s a BPD thing. This has caused me to get really confused. Are my feelings for anyone real or is it my mental illness?
I’m still no closer to figuring this out but to help explain and try to figure it out I’ve decided to write about what it’s like to have a favourite person and how this can impact me.
So, to begin with I’ll start with the positives:
They can make me feel like the best person in the world, like I’m invincible and nothing bad can ever happen to me. They give me a life purpose, to make them happy and give them everything and anything they could ever want or need. I would literally do anything for my FP, I would follow them anywhere. My FP has the ability to instantly calm me down by just being present. One smile or hug or even a good morning text from my FP will put me in an instantly good mood. Nothing else in the world matters, as long as they love me.
But, as always, there’s a downside:
They can make me feel worthless. When they’re not around it can be hard to function and sometimes makes me feel like I don’t even exist. It’s obsessional and unhealthy. My whole self worth depends on kind words and attention from my FP. When they’re nearby but I can’t be physically with them, the main thing on my mind is to get to them. I’m not okay unless they’re physically present. This puts a lot of pressure on them because my personal safety depends upon their presence. Even when they are with me, there’s still a fear of losing them that is hard to control and can make me lash out or be mean when I don’t want to.
I’m really lucky at the moment to have a wonderful FP who is kind, patient, encouraging and forgiving, but I’m fully aware that this isn’t fair to him.
Every day is a struggle to take as few of my symptoms out on him as possible. Some days I do great at this but others, not so much. I’m working on it though and I am so grateful to him for not giving up on me yet. He’s encouraged me to do so much and I’ve slowly gave up most of the unhealthy stuff I do. I know this one is going to be particularly difficult because it goes right to my fear of abandonment but I will get there. I know I will, especially with him by my side.
Just to make this clear, a favourite person isn’t the same as a best friend. I have a best friend AND a favourite person. My feelings and dependency on both of them, and the way they trigger me is completely different. My best friend is family. I love her like a sister and as much as I want her around, I am still able to function without her.