I want to live…

Just over a month ago I got my diagnosis, I know I’ve mentioned this before but it hadn’t really set in.

It was first suggested to me about 4/5 months ago that I have symptoms of borderline personality disorder. My immediate reaction was no but the more I read, the more it made sense to me. I felt understood and less like an anomaly.

I finally went to the psychologist on August 8th and she agreed that I fit BPD or, as it’s now called, emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD).

Even though I was prepared for it, the professional agreeing with me was still a surprise and the last few weeks I’ve been extra confused as to how I feel or if I’m ‘putting it on’ (damn that unstable sense of self!) I’m still not 100% sure of how to act or behave anymore but I feel I’m starting to once again accept that I have a condition that needs to be managed.

The psychologist has referred me for treatment and I’m currently on a 7 month waiting list (only 6 more to go! Woo!) but in the meantime, because I work, I’m mostly on my own.

So, I’ve done a lot of research into different tips and tricks that will help me manage the condition better. I have also joined BPD support groups on Facebook, I’ve started writing a wellness recovery action plan (WRAP) that, once complete, I will print off and carry with me everywhere.

Meditation seems really important for managing BPD so I’m going to give that another try, alongside creating a flexible but full routine to try to prevent boredom, loneliness and overthinking.

It seems like it’s going to be a lot of effort, consistent hard work and trial and error, but I’m determined to manage this. I don’t have to live my life always being the impulsive, crazy friend that people laugh at.

I will slowly learn who I am and what I like and develop a more stable, independent, calmer and happier Toria.

In the meantime, please bare with me. I’m trying. I’ve gotten rid of or reduced most of my unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’m currently trying to find new ones but it’s making the days a little harder to get through and me a little more sensitive than usual.

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